mothers day God’s way….

15C3321C-7302-45EA-BFE4-7483AC60990EMother’s Day.

A day that took on a whole new meaning six years ago when our oldest daughter—18 years-old at the time—chose the world over our family.

That was six Mother’s Days ago.

those first few Mother’s Days following that horrific time were filled with both tears as well as joy.

on the one hand, i was grieving the loss of our daughter, while at the same time adjusting to our “new norm” and learning how to give myself fully to my younger four kids.


those first few years after my daughter left were filled with unending sorrow, as she made one poor choice after another, each one resulting in terrible consequences….and us left picking up the pieces.

The amount of emotion and heartbreak i experienced during that time is indescribable.  I never imagined walking through something so painful, and feeling so hopeless.

there were days when i would give anything to just hug my daughter, to feel her in my arms.  And yet, any and all encounters with her were beyond painful, leaving me crying for days at a time.



As the years have gone by, God has brought me to a place of total surrender; causing me to realize that my kids don’t belong to me—-they belong to Him.

He helped me to see that I can’t change or control the horrible things that have happened in my daughter’s life since the day she left home, and that surrendering her to Him is the only way i will find true peace.

i can not begin to tell you how freeing it’s been to fully trust God with my kids.

i’m no longer paralyzed with fear and the need to “control” everything that happens in their lives, which frees me up to fully enjoy them.

36C97BC9-1759-4E2E-912E-9C51296FFF51Trusting God with my kids includes trusting Him with their futures as well as with the unknowns.

we haven’t heard from our oldest daughter in almost two years, and it’s been even longer than that since we’ve seen her.

to be honest, we don’t know where she lives, nor do we have a way to contact her.

There are times when i wonder if she’s even alive, and if she’s not, would we ever find out?  I have to be careful not to go down that road because it’s too easy to let fear take over.


There was a time when i wished that things had been different and that we wouldn’t have had to walk such a painful road,

and yet, when i look at how God has made beauty from the ashes of that time, I wouldn’t trade what we’ve gained for anything.

we currently have three teenagers and one preteen in our home, and i have to say that they are the most amazing and pleasant people i know.

not only that, but we have a sweet relationship with each one of them, and our home is filled with a peace that could only come from God alone.

Maybe this isn’t the life i would have chosen, but I’m so thankful that God had other plans!



from chains to freedom…

FBEC8D0F-3EB7-42FD-AD87-592CB7B20EB9For years, I was in bondage and didn’t even know it.

I struggled with feelings of shame, unworthiness, ugliness, failure, dirtiness, self-loathing, inadequacy, and the list goes on…..

the thing is, I knew I was struggling with so many areas of my life, yet I didn’t know the root or cause of my struggles.

i had been this way for so long that it became my identity—- the definition of who I was.

A3FDC414-B13A-4C6C-8A15-96779525C536It wasn’t until i opened up and shared these feelings with a dear friend and pastor that my eyes were opened to the truth.

he helped me to see that certain events from my past had left me filled with shame, and that even as a young kid, I unknowingly allowed that shame to define me.

Not only did it define me, but it held me in a bondage that i felt sure I’d never be free from.

360A19FE-E0E7-4AEC-A5B1-67C3344EBE5BGod, in his kindness, orchestrated a series of changes in my life that would eventually lead me to the freedom I so longed for.

after thirteen years in our former church that we had loved dearly, God led us to a different church.  Believe me, this was not a decision that we made lightly; God made it very clear that he was leading us to make this move.

God was so kind to reaffirm to us time and time again in those first few months that it was indeed his will for us to be at this church.  I would sit in church services and literally cry through them because the messages or the songs would speak of God wanting to give us freedom from the chains that bind us, and it was during those first few months that God spoke to my heart and told me that He was going to lead me to a place of freedom that only he can give.

E77CF80A-5A3B-4101-A1FE-C4294605B6C5Last fall, I became aware that our church offers an intense counseling program for members.  I asked my pastor about it and he hooked me up with the gal who leads that ministry at our campus.

after meeting with her and sharing my story, she submitted my application to the church, and within a month my counseling started.

And can I just say that this counseling has literally changed my heart as well as my life?  Not. Even. Kidding.

I could spend all day telling you all the things i learned, but I’m guessing you have better things to do than read my blog all night!

AF212BD9-FEC8-43A0-A185-5F910B76F0CFBasically, through my months of counseling (did i mentioned that this was Bible-based, Bible-saturated counseling?!), God used his Word as well as the curriculum we went through, to totally change the way I think.

He showed me that my past does NOT define who I am now, and that with God’s help, I can take my thoughts captive and not fall prey to the enemie’s constant lies.

God totally took me through the Ephesians 4 process of putting off my old self, and to be renewed in the spirit of my mind, putting on the new self.

To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.  Ephesians 4:22-24

Through much time in the Word, I also began to really see the depths of God’s amazing love for me.  I was able to finally see past the shame, and actually see thatI am a beautiful, precious child of God.

I learned all that and SO much more!  But the bottom line is this: I AM FREE!

having this new knowledge and understanding of God made this Easter my most amazing Easter ever.

I only have one counseling session left, which is bittersweet for me, but I am so thankful to God for using this precious ministry to change my life.

Christmas meanderings…

0D22482A-5A30-4742-896E-C8D5B71E5F3EEvery year, Christmas seems to come and go, leaving me breathless and wondering how the time went by so quickly.

and no matter how hard i try to plan ahead, i still find myself scrambling a few days before Christmas, allowing anxiety to slip in just enough that it threatens to rob me of the sweet joys of Christmas.

i feel like i handled things a bit better this year—when i felt the old familiar anxieties  start to flair up, I simply reminded myself to relax and do what i can, accepting the reality that the most important things will get done and the rest can be let go.

it’s actually quite crazy the things that I allow myself to get worried about; i mean, quite frankly, who really cares if we have five different types of Christmas goodies rather than eight?

5BDB62B4-B991-4988-8B3E-5F60B43BEAF3All in all, we had a wonderful, relaxing Christmas, and thankfully, we were all healthy!

i messed up on both the breakfast and lunch menus, but my family was very gracious and no one went without eating.

we ended the day by going to see the movie, The Greatest Showman.  I’m telling you, if you haven’t seen this movie, you have to go see it!  It’s phenominal!  And to be honest, when my seventeen year-old daughter told me about it, I didn’t expect to like it.  But it made me smile and it made me cry, and i can’t recommend it highly enough.

BFBAD609-DA52-449B-A80D-B5AC10D0ECFFOf course, the day didn’t go by without me thinking about our oldest daughter.  It’s hard to think that she’s out there somewhere, and i have no idea if she’s ok.  I find myself wondering if she’s safe, or if she’s even alive, for that matter.  And i cant help but remember the years when she was an innocent, sweet child who made us smile just by entering the room.

i’ve come to accept that this is our reality.  And i realize that there’s a possibility that we may never see her again.  Or that she may die as a result of the dangerous choices that she makes.

Sometimes i think i’d give anything just to hug her and pretend that our lives didn’t turn out the way they did.  But the reality is that she made her choice,and i can’t do anything about it.

and as painful as these past six years have been, I wouldn’t trade what God has done in my life, as well as in my husband and  four younger kids.

He truly has made beauty out of the ashes.