A day that took on a whole new meaning six years ago when our oldest daughter—18 years-old at the time—chose the world over our family.
That was six Mother’s Days ago.
those first few Mother’s Days following that horrific time were filled with both tears as well as joy.
on the one hand, i was grieving the loss of our daughter, while at the same time adjusting to our “new norm” and learning how to give myself fully to my younger four kids.
those first few years after my daughter left were filled with unending sorrow, as she made one poor choice after another, each one resulting in terrible consequences….and us left picking up the pieces.
The amount of emotion and heartbreak i experienced during that time is indescribable. I never imagined walking through something so painful, and feeling so hopeless.
there were days when i would give anything to just hug my daughter, to feel her in my arms. And yet, any and all encounters with her were beyond painful, leaving me crying for days at a time.
As the years have gone by, God has brought me to a place of total surrender; causing me to realize that my kids don’t belong to me—-they belong to Him.
He helped me to see that I can’t change or control the horrible things that have happened in my daughter’s life since the day she left home, and that surrendering her to Him is the only way i will find true peace.
i can not begin to tell you how freeing it’s been to fully trust God with my kids.
i’m no longer paralyzed with fear and the need to “control” everything that happens in their lives, which frees me up to fully enjoy them.
Trusting God with my kids includes trusting Him with their futures as well as with the unknowns.
we haven’t heard from our oldest daughter in almost two years, and it’s been even longer than that since we’ve seen her.
to be honest, we don’t know where she lives, nor do we have a way to contact her.
There are times when i wonder if she’s even alive, and if she’s not, would we ever find out? I have to be careful not to go down that road because it’s too easy to let fear take over.
There was a time when i wished that things had been different and that we wouldn’t have had to walk such a painful road,
and yet, when i look at how God has made beauty from the ashes of that time, I wouldn’t trade what we’ve gained for anything.
we currently have three teenagers and one preteen in our home, and i have to say that they are the most amazing and pleasant people i know.
not only that, but we have a sweet relationship with each one of them, and our home is filled with a peace that could only come from God alone.
Maybe this isn’t the life i would have chosen, but I’m so thankful that God had other plans!