01DB519F-2AEF-4517-A617-1AEA4B1588BEGod has used the pain of these past six years to develope in me a heart for other women—-especially moms.

I believe that as women, we need each other, and that we need to be IN each other’s lives and not settling for the answer, “I’m fine.”

i was the master of “I’m fine”.

For years, i would put on a smile, and go through the motions, and no one was ever the wiser.

at times, I don’t even think that my husband was aware of the pain i was holding inside.


Our struggles with our oldest daughter began around the time she started junior high, and before that time, I didn’t know that it was possible to feel lonely even when surrounded by other people.

and yet, i did.

aside from my husband and i, very few people  had any knowledge of the turmoil in our home.

and even those few that knew of our struggle were unaware of the oppressive behavior that i was dealing with day in and day out.

to be honest, i think that i had just accepted that “this is just the way it is”, and i had no hope that life this way would ever change.


There were seasons where i felt so alone and to be honest, i also felt judged.

judged by well-meaning friends and loved ones who would suggest that we parent “this way” or that we “loosen up”, and yet, they had no idea why we had to keep doing things the way that we did.

they didn’t realize that with every inch of freedom we gave our oldest came more rebellion and more attitude of entitlement.

and they had no idea of the amount of manipulation and lying we dealt with, and how mistreated our younger kids had been when my husband and I weren’t around.

There were so many things that people didn’t know and that my husband and i felt we couldn’t share.

F53220DB-A724-47C7-8FEA-F68FA99DE64FAs I’m now somewhat on the other side of that season, my heart aches for all the moms out there who are lonely and who feel that there story is too ugly to share.

and i grieve with those moms who have lost their kids—- either to physical death or to this world; for i am convinced that there is no greater pain than the loss of a child.

i wish that back in that season of my life i had felt safe enough to share the darkness that was then my life.

how i wish I could’ve opened my heart to someone, and know that they’d accept me with open arms and no judgment.

and more than anything, i wish I would’ve ran to Jesus more and would’ve allowed him to comfort me and give me hope.

God has used those dark years to grow me and to make me the strong woman that i now am.

if you remember anything about this  post, i hope you remember that Jesus loves you, and that no matter how ugly your story is, you are not alone.

much love,


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