brokenness redefined….

E4B94B24-DD4D-413C-AEE7-62CD8BFCAAE7This is my third blog.

I started my first blog almost ten years ago, and it quickly became a journal of my nine-year journey through Early-onset Alzheimer’s with my dad.

it was a safe haven, a place where I could be real and write from my heart.

so often during those painful years, readers would leave comments on my blog, thanking me for being real and sharing with me their own struggles.

God used those comments to bring healing to me, showing me that there was a purpose for my pain.

After my dad’s death just over six years ago, I started my second blog.

I was ready for something new, and I had planned to talk about every day life, and moving on through grief.

little did i know, my life was about to be turned upside down, and shaken to the very core.

three months after my dad died, our oldest daughter—18 years old at the time—walked out on our family.

her leaving took us completely by surprise, especially since she was only halfway through her senior year; she had no job, no car, and nowhere to live.

That decision was only the first of many devastating decisions that she made in the months and years following.

I’m not kidding when I say that we’ve been to hell and back with her; her making one bad choice after another, and us cleaning up after her as well as trying to deal with our grief over all that was happening.

At this point and time, we haven’t heard from her in almost a year and a half, and we haven’t actually seen her in over three years.

not exactly the relationship I had dreamed of having with any of my kids, but God has been faithful and kind to grow me through this, and I’m stronger because of it.

so that brings me to this blog….

as you can imagine, walking through these past six years has been devastating, and I’ve known brokenness in ways I never imagined.

but through the brokenness, I have also experienced a love so fierce that I’ve never once doubted God’s faithfulness along the way.

God has shown up for me each and every time a new crisis has arose.

just this past week as i was reflecting on God’s faithfulness to me and my family over the years, it occurred to me that though i am broken, I have come to see my brokenness as a sweet gift from God.

before you think I’m too crazy—which maybe you already do—hear me out.

you see, it’s in this place of brokenness where I’ve learned to lean on Jesus and not on my own strength to get through the hard.

it’s also in this place of brokenness where I’ve been able to surrender control over to God and not feel as though it’s MY job to fix my kids.

Brokenness has also brought me to a place where I’m filled with compassion for parents with troubled teens.  I’m ashamed to say that before we walked this road with our daughter, i was one of those moms who would look at rebellious teens and shake my head as i would say, “ those people really need to get a grip on their kids.”  I’m sure i judged even more harshly than that at times, but not anymore.  We parents need each other, and there’s no room for judgment.

Webster’s dictionary describes brokenness in this way: Violently separated into parts; shattered, damaged, or altered by or as if by breaking.

my definition would be:  brokenness – God’s tender way of stripping away the layers in order to make me more like Him.

thus the name of this blog…Brokenness Redefined.

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